I've been alot calmer this weekend than last and I've been focusing more on the house and thinks I can take care of rather than those I cannot (well I'm trying anyway). We made the decision to got to IKEA (yes on a Saturday lunchtime which I thought was pretty brave of us to be honnest) as we needed a blackout blind for the bedroom and a blind for the spare bedroom. You have to understand I love big crowds at gigs and festivals when everyone is happy. But for some reason when you arm a normal brit with a big yellow bag and that IKEA scrap of paper an little pencil they turn into homicidal maniacs (well it feels like that to me anyway).
I decided 'hell if I can stay calm in here I can deal with anything.' I always think IKEA is a bit like the House of Commons, in as much as everybody seems to scream and shout and wave bits of paper around trying to get their point across. You do have to wonder when you hear people debating about the pros and cons of beige versus magnolioa what on earth the World is coming to(aren't they pretty much the same thing anyway?)
As with politics most of the kids were treated to a good old fashioned bit of bribery. 'If you are good mummy will get you a hotdog at the end of this.' There was also the immortal line uttered of; 'do you want a smack?' I almost willed the kid to say 'no not really thank you mummy I'd just like to carry on having my e-number induced tantrum, do you mind if I go back to screaming and banging my fists on the floor now whilst I tell you how much I hate you?' Wouldn't that of been priceless? I'm sure some kid somewhere has done that (knowing my luck when I do have kids mine will say it now).
I did speak to Dad yesterday, I think he has taken the news about my Mum's partner pretty badly he seems pretty low but his gout is going down now. He is 60 this week so I'm driving down to celebrate with him and my brothers. I'm kinda worried it's going to be a disaster for two reasons:
1. We are meeting in a pub (bro 1's decision) to have lunch - great just what I want on a Saturday afternoon after driving 200 miles a game of let's try and stop Dad going to the bar
2. My brothers girlfriends five and six year olds will be there - won't that just be peachy if he gets sozzled, how do you explain why he is on the floor slobbering to a kid?
But this I know is my tendancy to try and control everything so for once I haven't called my brother to tell him he is a stupid w****r and created hell as Dad is likely to let us all down (believe me that was hard). I cannot control him anymore than I can control the tide and if bro 1 (I should explain they are twins) wants to organise this shindig then so be it. I'm also full prepared that on the morning Dad may be too p****d to get to the pub leaving us to all have his birthday dinner without him.
It's mothers day next Sunday so at least I can see Mum and do some stuff with her too which will be nice. She wants to look at mother of the bride outfits for my wedding next year it's a bit of a challenge as we are getting married on a beach so the usual British attire might be to heavey for her to wear, we'll just have to see whats out there an we have plenty of time.
It's such a lovely day here I've actually put the washing on the line for the first time in months and I've had the windows open to let air in without freezing me and H2B (my husband to be). I'm looking forward to slow cooking some nice thick pork sausages for dinner and serving it with mash and onion gravy. It also nice to have some us time with H2B even if it is only walking round IKEA.
I'll leave you with a quote that really got me thinking today it's by Audrey Hepburn:
"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!"
xxxx
Sunday 7 March 2010
Friday 5 March 2010
No matter how far you run away sometimes your problems follow you.......
I had spent most of the last 10 years either not thinking about my fathers drinking or deciding that as he had to fend for himself once my mother left him that he was not drinking as much as there was no one there to clean up after him. Moving a considerable distance away also seemed to be a great help, out of site out of mind I thought. I was wrong, Valentines Day last month was when it all came crashing down around me.
We hadn't been able to get hold of Dad all weekend, I finally managed to get hold of him and he was wasted. 'I'm going bankrupt' he said. He was wasted, slurring and sobbing, which made it all nearly impossible to understand. Suddenly everything came flooding back, the sense of dread I used to get when his car pulled in the drive, the frantic struggle I would make to move our school shoes out of the doorway so he wouldn't yell about the mess. Then I either sit in the lounge with my brothers, hoping that there was a bit of safety in numbers or I would run up to my room to stay out of the way.
Even now an unexpected loud bang or a raised voice scares me sometimes to the point that I shake and I often find that I will do anything with anyone close to me to stop a raised voice. If something wrong happens I will often take the blame in the hope that it will stop further arguments and some peace and tranquility will come. But I realise now that in doing this no peace will come.
Once I got off the phone to Dad I told my brothers as he couldn't face telling them (I offered to do this as I did not know how else to help). The next day I paid a deposit to keep the bailiffs away for a month but they will be back soon enough. Then a few days later my wonderful Grandfather passed away at home, fearing another bender we decided not to tell Dad initially (it was my mother's father). When he did find out the next day another bender proceeded. I couldn't bring myself to visit him that weekend, I was so angry. He hadn't seen my Grandfather in years and I felt that rather than me having the space to mourn I was using all my energies worry that he would drink himself to despair and eventually kill himself.
Every unanswered phone call I made to him filled my head with images of him in his bath with his wrists cut open and the blood splattered on the walls. Then he decided he was coming to the funeral. Oh great I thought, my mother found a new partner some years ago and he was a did part int he care of my grandfather towards the end so it was only right that he should stand by my mothers side. We decided not to tell Dad as when his mother in law (my grandmother) died he was took drunk on the morning of the funeral to attend despite calls, texts and people banging on his front door.
He has always had my mother on a pedestal and we have always been too worried to tell him for fear that he will just drink more. I'm beginning to realise in our family that my brothers and I are making him one of the main focuses when maybe we should be focusing more on ourselves. Anyway he saw them get out of the car and lets just say he isn't exactly impressed.....................
Anyway after the onslaught of the last few weeks I decided to go to an Al Anon group just to see what it's all about. For years I had happily compartmentalised my father as a recovering alcoholic when in reality he has just got wise to not answering the phone to me when he is drunk. It was so good to hear from others and the serenity prayer already holds a lot of meaning. I'm still getting my head around everything in the literature but I hope it can help me to live with everything I am feeling right now.
My partner has made it clear that he thinks Al Anon is a waste of time for me as my father isn't trying to get better. He doesn't seem to understand that I know that but I need help to get my head around what is going on inside me and has been for the last 28 years.
Anyway for now I am going to keep on going and see what I can take from it all. Being able to write here is certainly a great help
Love Anna
We hadn't been able to get hold of Dad all weekend, I finally managed to get hold of him and he was wasted. 'I'm going bankrupt' he said. He was wasted, slurring and sobbing, which made it all nearly impossible to understand. Suddenly everything came flooding back, the sense of dread I used to get when his car pulled in the drive, the frantic struggle I would make to move our school shoes out of the doorway so he wouldn't yell about the mess. Then I either sit in the lounge with my brothers, hoping that there was a bit of safety in numbers or I would run up to my room to stay out of the way.
Even now an unexpected loud bang or a raised voice scares me sometimes to the point that I shake and I often find that I will do anything with anyone close to me to stop a raised voice. If something wrong happens I will often take the blame in the hope that it will stop further arguments and some peace and tranquility will come. But I realise now that in doing this no peace will come.
Once I got off the phone to Dad I told my brothers as he couldn't face telling them (I offered to do this as I did not know how else to help). The next day I paid a deposit to keep the bailiffs away for a month but they will be back soon enough. Then a few days later my wonderful Grandfather passed away at home, fearing another bender we decided not to tell Dad initially (it was my mother's father). When he did find out the next day another bender proceeded. I couldn't bring myself to visit him that weekend, I was so angry. He hadn't seen my Grandfather in years and I felt that rather than me having the space to mourn I was using all my energies worry that he would drink himself to despair and eventually kill himself.
Every unanswered phone call I made to him filled my head with images of him in his bath with his wrists cut open and the blood splattered on the walls. Then he decided he was coming to the funeral. Oh great I thought, my mother found a new partner some years ago and he was a did part int he care of my grandfather towards the end so it was only right that he should stand by my mothers side. We decided not to tell Dad as when his mother in law (my grandmother) died he was took drunk on the morning of the funeral to attend despite calls, texts and people banging on his front door.
He has always had my mother on a pedestal and we have always been too worried to tell him for fear that he will just drink more. I'm beginning to realise in our family that my brothers and I are making him one of the main focuses when maybe we should be focusing more on ourselves. Anyway he saw them get out of the car and lets just say he isn't exactly impressed.....................
Anyway after the onslaught of the last few weeks I decided to go to an Al Anon group just to see what it's all about. For years I had happily compartmentalised my father as a recovering alcoholic when in reality he has just got wise to not answering the phone to me when he is drunk. It was so good to hear from others and the serenity prayer already holds a lot of meaning. I'm still getting my head around everything in the literature but I hope it can help me to live with everything I am feeling right now.
My partner has made it clear that he thinks Al Anon is a waste of time for me as my father isn't trying to get better. He doesn't seem to understand that I know that but I need help to get my head around what is going on inside me and has been for the last 28 years.
Anyway for now I am going to keep on going and see what I can take from it all. Being able to write here is certainly a great help
Love Anna
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