I had spent most of the last 10 years either not thinking about my fathers drinking or deciding that as he had to fend for himself once my mother left him that he was not drinking as much as there was no one there to clean up after him. Moving a considerable distance away also seemed to be a great help, out of site out of mind I thought. I was wrong, Valentines Day last month was when it all came crashing down around me.
We hadn't been able to get hold of Dad all weekend, I finally managed to get hold of him and he was wasted. 'I'm going bankrupt' he said. He was wasted, slurring and sobbing, which made it all nearly impossible to understand. Suddenly everything came flooding back, the sense of dread I used to get when his car pulled in the drive, the frantic struggle I would make to move our school shoes out of the doorway so he wouldn't yell about the mess. Then I either sit in the lounge with my brothers, hoping that there was a bit of safety in numbers or I would run up to my room to stay out of the way.
Even now an unexpected loud bang or a raised voice scares me sometimes to the point that I shake and I often find that I will do anything with anyone close to me to stop a raised voice. If something wrong happens I will often take the blame in the hope that it will stop further arguments and some peace and tranquility will come. But I realise now that in doing this no peace will come.
Once I got off the phone to Dad I told my brothers as he couldn't face telling them (I offered to do this as I did not know how else to help). The next day I paid a deposit to keep the bailiffs away for a month but they will be back soon enough. Then a few days later my wonderful Grandfather passed away at home, fearing another bender we decided not to tell Dad initially (it was my mother's father). When he did find out the next day another bender proceeded. I couldn't bring myself to visit him that weekend, I was so angry. He hadn't seen my Grandfather in years and I felt that rather than me having the space to mourn I was using all my energies worry that he would drink himself to despair and eventually kill himself.
Every unanswered phone call I made to him filled my head with images of him in his bath with his wrists cut open and the blood splattered on the walls. Then he decided he was coming to the funeral. Oh great I thought, my mother found a new partner some years ago and he was a did part int he care of my grandfather towards the end so it was only right that he should stand by my mothers side. We decided not to tell Dad as when his mother in law (my grandmother) died he was took drunk on the morning of the funeral to attend despite calls, texts and people banging on his front door.
He has always had my mother on a pedestal and we have always been too worried to tell him for fear that he will just drink more. I'm beginning to realise in our family that my brothers and I are making him one of the main focuses when maybe we should be focusing more on ourselves. Anyway he saw them get out of the car and lets just say he isn't exactly impressed.....................
Anyway after the onslaught of the last few weeks I decided to go to an Al Anon group just to see what it's all about. For years I had happily compartmentalised my father as a recovering alcoholic when in reality he has just got wise to not answering the phone to me when he is drunk. It was so good to hear from others and the serenity prayer already holds a lot of meaning. I'm still getting my head around everything in the literature but I hope it can help me to live with everything I am feeling right now.
My partner has made it clear that he thinks Al Anon is a waste of time for me as my father isn't trying to get better. He doesn't seem to understand that I know that but I need help to get my head around what is going on inside me and has been for the last 28 years.
Anyway for now I am going to keep on going and see what I can take from it all. Being able to write here is certainly a great help
Love Anna
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